


Old habits doesn't die

by My_Evak_Heart



Series: Incantava [4]
Category: SKAM (Italy)
Genre: Eating Disorders, F/M, supportive boyfriend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-02
Updated: 2019-05-02
Packaged: 2020-02-16 07:27:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18686881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/My_Evak_Heart/pseuds/My_Evak_Heart
Summary: Eleonora fell back into her old patterns





	Old habits doesn't die

At first, it was like Edoardo didn't want to see what he was seeing. As if his brain didn't want him to see what he was seeing and had tricked him and blinded him from the hard truth.

Why though?  _Why_  did his brain chose to filter his girlfriend's silent sufferings? Did it think he wouldn't handle it? Edoardo had had gone through his fair share of difficult thing in life going from his mother's long and painful death to his blood brother assaulting his girlfriend under his roof, he could handle anything now.

It took Edoardo a couple weeks to realize something was off with his girlfriend and, once he caught on to what was going on, he was mad at himself for not remarking anything sooner. Knowing that the girl whom he cared the most about and loved with all his being had been suffering in silence and he hadn't seen anything frustrated him. Edoardo felt like he had failed her, he had broken his promise to never hurt her.

Simple things she had said over the past two weeks came back in flashes as Edoardo was at Federico's, lounging in his living room, chatting about their graduation party plans. With all those exams - and finals for Edoardo - Eleonora and he hadn't been spending as much time together. These past weeks had been pretty stressful and hectic on both their ends, so they had little to no time to see each other beside sharing a couple kisses after school in his car or sneaking between classes. Edoardo had even tried taking her out for lunch, just to spend time with her, but, every times, he recalled her saying something like '' _I ate a big breakfast this morning_ '' or '' _my stomach feels funny, I'd rather not eat and upset it_ '' and now it felt like a punch in the gut. It was right under his nose and he didn't notice anything.

The following day, Edoardo sat outside with his friends during lunch, smoking cigarettes as Chicco and Fede tried to convince Nathan that he should host the graduation party at his house because of his big pool. Instead of supporting the boys and backing them for their idea, Edoardo glanced at Eleonora, the fancy lunch she prepared herself all year missing from their table, having been replaced by a textbook. He could understand that she was feeling stressed at the moment and wasn't hungry because of it but, she  _had_  to eat. Your body - and brain -  _needs_  carbohydrates to function properly.

And, this was another red flag to add to Edoardo's list.

.

''Filo left on Wednesday night, will be out for the weekend,'' Eleonora announced, shutting the door behind them, turing to face Edoardo, grin on her lips.

He raised his eyebrows, crowding over her. ''Is he?''

Eleonora hummed, closing the distance between them to kiss him, hands founding their home on each other's bodies, kissing and pulling and caressing. Thank god Filippo was away or else he would've made sure to tease her about how she used to almost be a prude before Edoardo came into her life and now she's making out in the entry. Filippo never miss an occasion to embarrass his sister in front of her boyfriend. 

They made their way to the couch, sharing kisses for a couple minutes before Eleonora got up and grabbed her laptop to put a movie. She wasn't kidding when she said they'd watch a movie.

The title appeared on the screen and Edoardo groaned. ''Are we really going to watch this movie?''

''Yes, we are!''

''The Favorite? Why are you doing this to me, Ele...''

Eleonora giggled at his dramatics and cuddled up against Edoardo, smiling at the feeling of his soft tee shirt under her cheek. ''Shh, it's starting.''

He rolled his eyes but still watched the entirety of the movie. And, if he had dozed off between scenes, it wasn't his fault.

''Well, that was a good movie,'' Edoardo said, waking up just in time as the credits rolled in.

Ele sat up, giving him a look. ''Bullshit, you slept through more than half the movie,'' she pointed.

Edoardo laughed, stretching a bit as Eleonora brushed away a stray curl that fell on his forehead, right above his brow. ''Sorry.''

''I'll put on another but, don't fall asleep this time.'' She pulled away and pointed an accusing finger at him. ''I'm watching you,  _Eduardo_.''

''Ugh, will you ever  _stop_  calling me that?'' He grabbed his phone and checked the time, realizing it was almost seven. ''Why don't we go and fix some dinner. We can eat while we watch the next movie. What are you feeling for? Say and I'll cook it for you.''

She chuckled, loving how Edoardo was always up to show off his cooking skills. ''You won't find anything in the fridge, Filo ate  _everything_  before he left and, true to his fashion, he didn't go grocery shopping.''

''Oh. Okay. We can order in or I can go to the store and cook up something.''

Eleonora bit down her lip. ''Tempting but, I'm not really hungry.'' She moved to search for the next movie, trying to find something that won't make Edo fall asleep.

''You're not hungry or you don't  _want_ to eat?''

The words were out before he realized it. It wasn't his intention to bring it up like this but, now it's out and he couldn't go back.

Edoardo watched Eleonora tensing beside him, shifting away from him. By her reaction, he knew that he was right.

She furrowed her eyebrows, trying to act as natural as possible. ''W-why are you asking me this?''

Edoardo knew it was a delicate subject to bring up and dive in. He had to be careful with his words and chose them wisely because no one who has a disorder of any type liked to have them figured out and pointed out.

''I'm not blind. I notice things.''

Ele shook her head, a nervous laugh escaping her lips. ''I don't know what you're talking about... I'm just not hungry, Edo. Why do you have to make a big deal out of this and jump to absurd conclusions?''

Lying and denying was a way for people who suffered from eating disorders to hide their secret and, sometimes, they weren't aware that they were ill which would pain Edoardo even more if it was Eleonora's case.

But, it wasn't. She was aware of what she was doing, she was just terrified of having been caught so she used lies to get herself out of the situation but Edoardo wasn't going to let her get away with it. Eating disorders were serious matter and dangerous for your health - especially when they get out of hand.

''I'm not jumping to conclusions, this had been going on for a moment. You're avoiding food every occasions you get. What have you been eating for the past two days if Filippo emptied the fridge before he left?''

''No. No, you're seeing things the wrong way, I-''

''Don't play dumb with me, Eleonora!''

She flinched at his tone and Edoardo realized his mistake. He didn't mean to yell at her. Trusting others was something Eleonora had difficulty with and Edoardo knew it. He was just so fed up with all the lies and wished she would trust him enough to not feel forced to lie to him. He'd rather her say she isn't ready to talk about it than lie to his face.

A tear slipped down her cheek but she didn't wipe it. Her gaze was down, fingers shaking on her lap. Gently, Edoardo slid closer to the edge of the couch, closer to her, and covered them with his, stopping them from shaking.

Although he knew that starving herself and skipping meals was wrong, he also knew scolding and yelling at Eleonora wouldn't do any help.

''I didn't mean to snap at you. I'm sorry. I just- Seeing you like this breaks my heart...and it scares me too.''

''I know what I'm doing. I  _know_  when to stop,'' she pressed, sounding a bit unsure of who she was trying to convince, him or herself.

''Do you?'' Edoardo asked, getting more concerned about her and her health and well being when he noticed how her cheekbones were more proheminent and her wrists smaller.

''You don't have to worry about me. I've done this before.''

Her temptative to reassure him went down the drain because Edoardo's concern broadened at the release of worrisome new information.

''I've always been respectful of your wishes but, I can't this time. I can't  _not_ worry about you. This is what humans do, we worry about the ones we care about and you mean so much to me, Eleonora. You're the person I care the most about in my life and I'm not going to judge you, I just want to understand why you're treating your body this way. What's pushing you to do this? Is it...me? Did I ever-''

''No.  _No_ , Edo.'' She shook her head, squeezing his hands, soothing his sudden fear. ''It's not you.'' She casted her eyes down. ''I...I haven't been okay for a long time.''

Ele took a deep breath, mustering up the courage to put all her feelings to words. She had never told this story to anyone, not even her brother with whom she was very close to.

At first, she was hesitant, worried Edoardo would look down at her from his Villa boy pedestal but, she was so wrong to think that he would think less of her. He had always been accepting and understanding with her, why did she think, even for a second, he wouldn't accept this side of her as well.

''I was twelve when it started. I didn't do it for you reasons you think, at least not at first. I never had control over anything in my life. My parents's divorce and absence, the many moves; none of these were my choices. I was looking for  _control_. Something I could have full control on, something only me could have control on. The majority of the time, my parents working full time jobs - and Filo had a lot of friends, he was rarely home too - so it was easy to skip meals without anyone noticing. I hadn't banned food from my body though, I wasn't starving myself.''

Eleonora shifted on the couch, getting uncomfortable and uneasy as bad memories returned.

Gently rubbing her arm up and down in comfort, Edoardo looked at her with the softest eyes. ''Hey, you don't have to continue if you don't feel comfortable telling me,'' he said, not wanting to pressure her or force her to go through though old memories.

She shook her head. ''I have to do this. I...I  _want_ to tell you.''

''Okay.'' He tucked a piece of hair behind her head, caressing her cheek. ''Take your time.''

''Then, things started going downhill in my personal life. My obsession with control got out of hand and, like a lot of young girls, I found myself staring at the mirror, hating at my reflexion. I told myself I would stop when I'd reached a certain weight but, it's a vicious circle, you know. You'll  _never_ be satisfied with the way you look regardless how little you weight. One day, I was alone at home and fainted from not eating. That's when I ended it all; no more skipping meals, no more starving myself. That's also when I started learning how to cook. I wasn't good at it but it helped me control and chose better what I was putting in my body.''

This might justify her acts from the past but, what about now? What drove Eleonora to fall back into her old habit? Was it her need for control? Was it- No. Edoardo had never made any off-hand comments about Eleonora's look. He had teased her once of twice about an ugly sweater and collared shirts but, it was light hearted.

''What about now?'' he asked.

She furrowed her eyebrows, not completely understanding his question.

Eating disorders are one of those things you'll have to live with for the rest of your life once it entered it. Above all, it's a mental illness, not physical which means it's something you'll have to mentally work on in order to recover but, alas, there's always going to be a risk of relapse.

''A relapse doesn't happen without a reason.''

Biting her lip, Eleonora looked up at Edo, shrugging. She had been so stressed lately that she couldn't recall exactly when she fell back into her old patterns. ''I don't know. I...I don't know. It might be stress? I really don't know...'' 

''It's okay. We'll figure it out.''

 _We_.

Her heart felt warm. She wasn't alone in this anymore, she had a supportive boyfriend by her side. Tears filled her light green eyes and Edoardo leaned close, passing an arm around her protectively, kissing her shoulder and up her neck, his curls tickling on its way. 

She closed her eyes and let herself melt into Edoardo's touch. ''Okay.''

Chin on hooked on her shoulder, he cocked an eyebrow. ''Now...what about some ice cream?'' 

Ele's eyes brightened at the mention of her favorite desert. ''Pistachio?''


End file.
